The Inappropriate Bachelors Series by J.S. Cooper

To The Rude Guy in Apartment Five, I’m glad you’re happy to have moved into a new apartment, but no: I do not want to have a beer with you. I do not want to have a nude sleepover. I do not want to make you breakfast, lunch or dinner, no matter how many lap dances you promise to give me. I do not need you to serenade me through the walls at 1am. And no, I have no interest in letting you take me on a date. Sincerely, Magnolia Allen P.S... moreTo The Rude Guy in Apartment Five, I’m glad you’re happy to have moved into a new apartment, but no: I do not want to have a beer with you. I do not want to have a nude sleepover. I do not want to make you breakfast, lunch or dinner, no matter how many lap dances you promise to give me. I do not need you to serenade me through the walls at 1am. And no, I have no interest in letting you take me on a date. Sincerely, Magnolia Allen P.S. And no, I do not want to know how many accents you can growl in during intimate moments. How is that even a thing? P. P. S. Also, you will never find me standing naked in your living room ever again, so please stop leaving lingerie packages on my welcome mat. less

You are quite possibly the most infuriating, annoying and grumpy man I've ever met in my life. I know you think that you're God's gift to women, but I have a secret to let you in on: you're not. You're God's gift to yourself. Get over your wanna-be cool surfer self and grow up. I thought it was time that someone addressed your big head and told you straight to your face that you're not all that. Just because you have an Ivy league education doesn't mean you're the smartest man in the world... moreYou are quite possibly the most infuriating, annoying and grumpy man I've ever met in my life. I know you think that you're God's gift to women, but I have a secret to let you in on: you're not. You're God's gift to yourself. Get over your wanna-be cool surfer self and grow up. I thought it was time that someone addressed your big head and told you straight to your face that you're not all that. Just because you have an Ivy league education doesn't mean you're the smartest man in the world. In fact, I'm not even sure if you would have gotten in if you didn't have rich parents. Yes, I went there. Every woman doesn't want to sleep with you and I'm sure you're not even good in bed. And I'm someone that would know.From,Your Secret Not Admirer less

To Marco (No, I’m not going to add Polo),Last night was a mistake. A big mistake. Or should I say small? I don’t want to hurt your ego. I should have listened to your sister. You’re insufferable and rude and far too cocky.Don’t worry. I won’t be telling anyone what happened because as far as I’m concerned it never did. Please stop calling me. I do not need to come and collect my bra from you. Or the t-shirt you lent me to sleep in when I got cold... moreTo Marco (No, I’m not going to add Polo),Last night was a mistake. A big mistake. Or should I say small? I don’t want to hurt your ego. I should have listened to your sister. You’re insufferable and rude and far too cocky.Don’t worry. I won’t be telling anyone what happened because as far as I’m concerned it never did. Please stop calling me. I do not need to come and collect my bra from you. Or the t-shirt you lent me to sleep in when I got cold. And no, that one act doesn’t make you a gentleman. Far from it.Also, I do not need to have your smell near me to fall asleep. In fact, your shirt does the opposite. It gives me nightmares.Millie less

To My Brother’s Cocky Best Friend,
Tyler Redwood, you might be my brother’s best friend, but I find you to be insufferable, cocky, arrogant, immature, and totally annoying. You are not God’s gift to women and certainly not a gift to me. No, I don’t need you to wrap yourself in a bow. And even if you did, I would not be unwrapping it. I have no interest in seeing or touching your six pack and no, I don’t need you to teach me the hidden lessons of the Kama Sutra... moreTo My Brother’s Cocky Best Friend,
Tyler Redwood, you might be my brother’s best friend, but I find you to be insufferable, cocky, arrogant, immature, and totally annoying. You are not God’s gift to women and certainly not a gift to me. No, I don’t need you to wrap yourself in a bow. And even if you did, I would not be unwrapping it. I have no interest in seeing or touching your six pack and no, I don’t need you to teach me the hidden lessons of the Kama Sutra. Go and find another woman to bother and flirt with. I am not interested at all. Not even a little bit.
Olivia

Olivia,
I have seven words for you. That’s not what you said last night.
Tyler less

To My Immature Ex-Boyfriend,
There are so many things that I want to say to you, but because I'm a lady, I will keep my 'big mouth' closed. I received your email the other day and you've got to be joking if you think I have any interest in meeting up with you during your visit to San Francisco. I would rather take a long walk off a short pier into an ocean of sharks. Also, the fact that you wouldn't mind seeing my bedroom for 'old time's sake' makes me laugh... moreTo My Immature Ex-Boyfriend,
There are so many things that I want to say to you, but because I'm a lady, I will keep my 'big mouth' closed. I received your email the other day and you've got to be joking if you think I have any interest in meeting up with you during your visit to San Francisco. I would rather take a long walk off a short pier into an ocean of sharks. Also, the fact that you wouldn't mind seeing my bedroom for 'old time's sake' makes me laugh. I don't want to be rude but those memories aren't ones I wish to repeat. I have better uses for five minutes of my time. You can keep the poems I wrote you, my cheerleader's outfit, and the promise ring that you gave me. The only promise I want from you is the one that says I will never hear from your obnoxious, arrogant, weirdly-shaped head again.

Sincerely,
Birdie

P.S. No, we're never going to repeat the night you won the homecoming football game. I have a secret to tell you. I didn't care about football then and I still don't.

To My Mouthy Ex-Girlfriend,
Birdie, I'm guessing that you still have repressed feelings for my big head. I don't blame you. If I'd gotten to be with a hunk like me, I wouldn't have gotten over it, either. I'll be in San Francisco for a week. I bet you can fit me in for three hours and twenty minutes. That was our record, remember? Please don't go into the ocean with any sharks. I'd hate to have to rescue you in the water again ... Oh, wait ... that was just an excuse to show off in a wet t-shirt, wasn't it? I'm looking forward to seeing you. Maybe I'll treat you to a Forty-Niners game. You know I can get VIP tickets to any game.
We both know you'll be there. I'd hate to have to let your momma in on some of your secrets.

Your sexy ex,
Hunter Augustus Beauregard III

P.S. There are many things I'd love to repeat. I'll call you tomorrow to tell you the first one. :) less

To The Single Dad in the Store,You have the most amazing hazel eyes I’ve ever seen. And the pinkest lips. They are what my friends and I would call “Insta-Kissable”. The things I could do to those lips. Your kids also look cute. They look like monsters, but also cute. You are single right? Or are you one of those creeps that just doesn’t wear a ring? You could be on the ‘bangable dad’ list. If such a list existed. I may or may not be a little tipsy as I write this... moreTo The Single Dad in the Store,You have the most amazing hazel eyes I’ve ever seen. And the pinkest lips. They are what my friends and I would call “Insta-Kissable”. The things I could do to those lips. Your kids also look cute. They look like monsters, but also cute. You are single right? Or are you one of those creeps that just doesn’t wear a ring? You could be on the ‘bangable dad’ list. If such a list existed. I may or may not be a little tipsy as I write this. Thanks for nothing Captain Morgan. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that when you’re in the veggie aisle at the store, you shouldn’t just grab potatoes and melons from someone else’s cart.Your half Secret Admirer NellieP.S. If you want to know more, text me at the number on the back of this envelope.To Nellie (whose name is not a secret),First off, I’m not a creep. I am not married. I’m glad to hear I’m a bangable dad. I’m assuming that means you think I’m hot as well. I wish you would have handed me this note so I could have seen who you were, so I’d know if you had “insta-kissable” lips or “psycho” eyes. I don’t know why I’m texting this message back to you. Maybe a little bit of curiosity. Though they do say curiosity killed the cat. Do you also have kids? Mine are a handful, but I love them. Send me a photo?The Single Dad in the StoreP.S. My name is Steele less

To My Dad’s Hot Best Friend, For obvious reasons, I will never send you this letter, but I have had a crush on you for years! Even though you’re what my mom calls a “man whore.”I wonder if you’re as good in bed as you claim. Yes, I’ve listened to your bragging in my father’s study during his weekly whiskey nights.I’d be willing to rate you on a scale of one to ten to let you know if you’re really all that. Though we could never tell anyone... moreTo My Dad’s Hot Best Friend, For obvious reasons, I will never send you this letter, but I have had a crush on you for years! Even though you’re what my mom calls a “man whore.”I wonder if you’re as good in bed as you claim. Yes, I’ve listened to your bragging in my father’s study during his weekly whiskey nights.I’d be willing to rate you on a scale of one to ten to let you know if you’re really all that. Though we could never tell anyone. Could you imagine the drama? But I won’t tell if you won’t. Not that you would ever give me a chance. Do you even know my name? I bet I know a way to make you remember.Anyway, you’re far too old for me and too set in your ways. Also, you seem like a real grump when you’re not bragging.Sincerely,The one girl you will never bang, Shelby Shelby,Was I supposed to read this letter? Is this a practical joke? Or did you happen to walk into the bathroom on purpose last week just to see me naked in the shower? I didn’t know your mom called me a man whore. I prefer to call myself a Ladies Man. There’s a difference, but you’re likely too young to know. I think you need to stick to college boys. You’re not ready for a man like me.Sincerely,Your Dad’s Hot Best Friend less